C

Conquer your Conflicts

This one will either make perfect sense or annoy the hell out of you. When I was first exposed to this concept the language I used is most certainly not repeatable. I just could not see how anyone could make such a statement and notback it up with a “how-to” process. I was well aware that I needed to get over my issues, the conflicts in my life

that I felt were holding me back, I just didn’t have a clue as to how to do it.

Most of us know we have issues that need to be aired, sorted and either disposed of, or an agreement on them made. What we often don’t realise is that we can simply let go of all of them if we choose and this was where I would use very colourful language in pure frustration! But it is true, we choose, for whatever reason, to hold onto our conflicts, be they internal conflicts with ourselves or external conflicts with others.

We are so often entrenched in our self-righteous position and see any form of abandoning that position as weakness, and the last thing we want to appear in any conflict situation is weak, even to ourselves. There is also a form of comfort in our discomfort, after all we’ve been used to this type of discomfort for quite some time, and have come to recognise it as a sort of unwelcome visitor that we notice when it is not there sometimes, and go looking for it. Unfortunately this type of attitude serves no helpful purpose. All it does is suck us into the quagmire of our own discontent and keep us resolutely stuck in mediocrity or misery.

So what is a body to do when we find ourselves in this position? Well, you can ask yourself these four questions:

1. What will happen if I let go of this problem?
2. What won’t happen if I let go of this problem?
3. What will happen if I don’t let go of this problem?
4. What won’t happen if I don’t let go of this problem?

To give you an example of how to use this I’ll walk you through a situation a friend of mine recently was in, lets call herAnn. Ann was having relationship woes, and every 4-6 weeks she’d ring me and moan about “him” and all the

bad things that had happened and the build up to another row where he’d tell her to leave, that the relationship was over, and all the rest! In distress, with her bags packed and on her way to her mother’s house Ann would ring me. This had happened yet again and instead of listening to her: “It’s definitely over this time, I’m not going back to be treated like that!” rant I asked her the four questions above: What will happen if it’s over?, what won’t happen if it’s over?, what will happen if it’s not over?, what won’t happen if it’s not over? Much to her surprise she found herself answering those questions in a rapid-fire manner and some of the answers she didn’t like, some she did. But for the first time in a long time she looked at her situation with new eyes and made decisions to make changes in her life to her benefit.

By answering these four questions honestly (and they can be used in any situation) we can see what we are and are not

letting ourselves achieve in life. Whether we are prepared to do something about it is another matter. If you find yourself with a form of clarity that is not to your liking – as happened to me on many an occassion – ask yourself this:

1. What is holding onto this problem doing for me?
2. What can I do instead of holding onto this problem?

Just make sure that the answer is an honest one, after all if you are not being honest with yourself how on earth do you intend to move from the conflicts in your life to the calm path of clarity? It is amazing how when we can see an alternative that brings more peace and hope into our lives, that we are only then prepared to move onto that path and the old conflicts that we were quite happy to indulge in become meaningless or a complete waste of time. The energy spent on holding onto them can now be used to move us further along the path of our dreams.