I recently saw a post on a forum that I am a member of from a mother of a child in their late twenties who had addictions, many of them and who only came back to the mother when they wanted financial help to support them and used the emotional

blackmail of the fact that as their mother it was her job to give them everything they needed, despite them being an adult themselves. The mother needless to say is torn between helping her child and getting the child to be responsible for themselves. And it’s got me thinking about being a responsible parent and all it entails.

I’m sure what I’m about to say will cause a negative reaction in a lot of you, and rather than just hit the back button or the little red X at the top right of your screen, stop for a moment and ask yourself what it is about what I’m saying that is causing so strong a reaction? What about it is making you uncomfortable enough to want to shy away from it? For others, they will agree with me, either way, please read on to the end.

I have a personal belief that our children are not our’s in that we don’t own them. That they are on loan until adulthood and it is our responsibility as parents to teach them how to be self-sufficient responsible adults themselves. And that teaching includes all four sections of the P.I.E.S. – physical, intellectual, emotional and spiritual. Of course since we have had such a close relationship with them it is very hard to simply detach from all the investment we have put into it. However as our children grow into teenagers and then adults we do learn along the way to detach a little and

let go, to allow them to become the person they want to be. And that includes accepting that they will often think and feel differently about things than we do. To me, that is a job well done, I haven’t raised a clone, rather an individual.

Sometimes though our children dabble in things that we have a strong aversion to, be it drugs, alcohol, gambling, sex, eating or smoking. Some develop an addiction to it and let it swallow them up and become a slave to their habit and depending on our acceptance or not of it, and the way we deal with it, it can be driven underground and hidden only to raise it’s head when it is totally out of control. At that point, our instinct as parents is to step in, take over and attempt to rectify the situation. This does not solve the problem. It might short-term, but unless the cause of the problem is dealt with, it will resurface time and time again. That is why drug addicts, smokers, anorexics and alcoholics have such a hard time recovering from their addictions, they haven’t dealt with the root cause. At this point we as parents have to take reponsiblity and let go.

Now I’m not spouting that we should just walk away from our grown-up children. We let them know where they can get proper professional help (and for some we can pay for that) and that they are responsible for their problem, that they created it and they, and only they can solve it. That is a really difficult thing to do when you are attached to someone else’s problem. So a little trick to help with the detaching from this is

to ask yourself the following: “If I met this person as a stranger would I want to get to know them? Would I like to be in their company and would I trust them?” BE HONEST! If you answer no to these then it is up to you to start detaching from them.

Remember people with addictions refuse to take responsiblity for their own actions, they live at effect, not cause and by supporting this behaviour you are enabling them to continue it and choosing also to live at effect yourself. It is as co-dependency type of relationship – they need the support from you to continue with it, you need to know they still want or need you. Take responsibility for cutting them loose and make them responsible for themselves. It means letting them know that any relationship is a two-way street and that you will NOT be adding to their dependancy, that they will have to do that by themselves. Be prepared for the emotional barrage that they will throw your way – that is simply an angry reaction to you cutting the co-dependency ties.